Starving
by insert witty
Summary: It's my second posted taito ^_^! The digital sun is setting and Matt struggles with his thoghts that nobody cares or loves him...
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own 'em.  
  
  
Starving  
  
By: ThatGirl  
  
  
  
  
  
The wind howled eerily through the trees, making the last leafs on them shiver just as badly as the eight humans and their Digimon.   
The cold evening was promptly turning into night as the sun disappeared behind the mountains.  
A blond boy coughed quietly, bringing his gloved hand to his mouth, as if not wanting the others to notice.  
They didn't.   
Mostly because the boy was sitting a few metres away from them. His thin arms were covered with goosebumps and he silently scolded himself for not had worn a warmer sweater that day when they were sucked into the digital world.  
Digital or not, the now here was just as bitterly cold as it used to be in the real world.  
Matt brought the harmonica that he had been holding tightly in his hands to his lips and soon, the soft tones slowly became a melody. A soothing yet sad, no almost heartbreaking melody.  
His azure eyes scanned the area, finding that everybody seemed to be at peace, calmly lying on the ground or leaning back on a tree or rock.  
Matt sighed inwardly and continued playing.  
He couldn't help but to feel alone.  
Tk and Kari slept soundly, snuggled up closely to each other and hugging Patamon and Salamon. Those two had become very fond of each other and no matter how much they were denying it, Matt knew they liked each other a little bit more than as simple friends. Mimi and Sora lay beside most of the Digimon; Palmon, Biyomon, Gomamon, Gabumon, and Agumon. Sora's eyes were half closed, revealing that she was about to fall asleep any moment. Izzy had already done so, his chin resting on his chest and his hands still lying limply in the keyboard of the pineapple-laptop. Tentomon laid to his left slightly snoring, just like Joe who laid on Izzy's right side.  
'How come I'm the only one alone?' Matt wondered silently, an unpleasant feeling of isolation settling in his stomach.  
He quickly shoved the feeling aside just like he had been learning to do the last four years of his life.  
But this time it didn't work just as smoothly as it had done the other ones.  
He didn't really want to admit that 'Da Man', 'The Cool Guy', 'The Lone Wolf'... in truth was starving for affection. He would have given an arm just for a hug. Not one of those brief brotherly hugs he received from Tk, but a long warm tight embrace. Just to be informed that someone cared about him. Not that he didn't appreciate Tk, no, not at all. He loved his younger brother more than he could tell.  
But it had been such a long time since he had been the centre of someone's attention, being small and feeling protected.  
Nancy Takaishi had hugged him often, always looking out for him. Yes, 'Nancy'. He hadn't thought of her as 'mom' for a long time, and he hadn't seen her in years. Well, except for that time when the digidestineds were going back into the digital world after the great battle when they had fought and defeated Venomyotismon. He had had to specially remind himself to say mom to her that time, not wanting to hurt her feelings.   
Matt knew that in the end, Tk had always been her 'favourite', but every time Nancy had hugged him or said she loved him, he had thought that she had been sincere. The divorce had changed that. None of his parents had wanted Matt, because both had wanted Tk. Matt had heard them argue about it one night when he had been supposed to be sleeping.  
Seven-year-old Matt had woken up after a nightmare and decided to take a glass of water, but when he opened the bedroom door he heard his parents yelling and screaming about who should take care of Tk. Neither Nancy nor his dad had said a word about their eldest son.  
Nancy had won, or 'she always got what she wanted' as his father so nicely put it, and Tk went with her. The two brothers nearly never got to see each other after it and that had probably hurt Matt more than the actual divorce.  
He guessed that his dad had grown more warm-hearted of his eldest over the years, but since Mr Ishida had never been a man of hugs and words, Matt had felt more and more lonely.  
Suddenly Matt blew a flat note. He stopped playing the harmonica abruptly, not remembering the tune he had been playing. Sighing, Matt closed his eyes and began to play again, this time a totally different melody. A more frustrated one.  
Matt knew that he could be loving and caring, but it was hard for him to show other people that. Nobody ever bothered enough to even just try to get inside of his shell, to break the walls he had been building around his heart and soul.  
Except for one person that is... Tai.  
Tai usually tried to shatter the walls by arguing and slamming his fist into Matt's face, but at least he tried. Though Tai had recently seemed to have given up on Matt too.  
The wild haired boy hadn't been talking very much to Matt lately. Not even fighting. And the times when he did say something, he avoided looking into Matt's eyes saying whatever he wanted to say quickly, almost too quickly, and then hurrying away to Agumon or some of the others. That left Matt both hurt and confused. He didn't know why it hurt him, but it did, and it hurt badly.  
Matt felt how hot tears formed in his eyes and angrily blinked them away. He was angry at Nancy for not loving him the way a mother should, he was angry with his dad for not making him feel loved though he knew his dad *did* love him and he was angry with Tai for simply making him feel this way, so confused and weird. But mostly, Matt was angry with himself for being such a screw up.  
Then the picture of Tai appeared in his mind once again.  
It all was so confusing. Sometimes Matt wanted to punch his face in, but somewhere deep inside of him, he wished that Tai would just hold him forever and tell him that everything would be okay.  
'NO!' Matt thought furiously. 'You don't like Tai, and he doesn't like you. Stay away from people and everything will be all right. You can't hurt them and they can't hurt you."  
The golden haired boy removed the harmonica from his lips, took a deep breath and exhaled noisily.  
He held the small shiny instrument in his hands for a while, deep in thought. He felt how new snowflakes started to fall. They felt cold against his skin when they landed but they melted fast, so Matt didn't bother to look up.  
The sudden sound of a voice almost made him jump out of his skin.  
"Why did you stop playing?" Tai asked.  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued...  
Please review.  
  



	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: If you so desperately want to read the disclaimer on this story, you can always check out that one in chapter one. That one still works just fine for me.  
  
  
Starving: chapter two  
  
By: ThatGirl  
  
  
  
  
  
The soft melody of a harmonica was lulling most of the digidestineds to sleep. Except for one.  
Tai stood a bit away from his motionless friends in the shadow of a great tree that was similar to an oak. He fixed his eyes on the harmonica's owner carefully, not wanting him to know that he was looking.  
Tai continued gazing dreamily. Matt looked... right. He seemed to be fully devoted to his music, and Tai liked that. It made him appear even more attractive...  
Yes, attractive. Tai sighed pensively. The golden haired boy was absolutely beautiful, but that wasn't what made him so much longed for.   
Tai had never met another person who had had the nerve to actually question him. His leadership and decisions... Matt didn't know how many times he probably saved everybody's life, just by arguing with Tai. And he didn't know how much he had made Tai mature and taking this whole 'save the world'-stuff more serious, which was good. The thing was that as Tai had matured, he had also in the end realized his feelings for the other boy.   
And it hurt more than a dagger through the chest to know that Matt most likely could never feel the same.  
From the very first time Tai met Matt, he knew that there was something special about him, but never being able to put his finger on *what* it was that was special, he just let it go in the early days.  
They had fought so much. Tai could remember all the names he had been calling Matt during all of those arguments. And he hadn't even meant a single word of them.  
Tai had spent most of his free time in the digital world to just memorize the things Matt said, the things he did, how he moved... the list goes on.  
He even knew exactly how many arguments they had had. He had been keeping count. Eighty-three, if the small disagreements also counted. Pathetic. Tai almost couldn't believe it himself sometimes. Pointless quarrels, almost all of them.  
The melodious notes suddenly faded into nothing and Tai was awakened from his daze. He looked over at Matt, who just sat there for a moment, taking a shaky breath and then putting the small instrument to his lips again.  
Matt didn't continue the calm and somewhat sad song he had been playing before. The new one was depressing, even frustrated.  
Tai wondered if Matt knew what he did to him when he played like that. He was sure the others could feel it too.  
Whenever the blonde played the harmonica, Tai just *knew* that he played directly from his heart, letting out the feelings he hid from the outside world. That made his music so touching... Almost like if the feelings Matt felt were passed on to whomever that listened.  
Then a long lone heart-raking tone was heard and Tai felt how it cut through his entire being, almost making his eyes water with tears of compassion.  
He took a deep breath and leaned back on the thick stem of the oak-like tree.  
He truly needed to talk to Matt... But it was too hard! He had tried to, he really had, but every time he did so, it just ended up with him blushing and turning away. And the other main reason was those eyes... So sapphire and azure, burning with a blue fire with a strength Tai had never seen before. Every time he looked into those eyes he just melted, not being able to speak nor move.  
All he dreamed of was holding the angelic boy close to his chest, whispering whatever that came into his mind and kissing his sweet face.  
When Tai thought of that, he always got a warm fuzzy feeling of love and courage and all the good feelings he could imagine.  
He closed his eyes dazedly in a try to hear the music's 'soul' better.   
Then the heartbreaking song suddenly stopped, leaving nothing but silence and the shivering of the last dry leafs trees' branches.  
Tai's chocolate eyes snapped open.  
Matt was just sitting there again, looking intently at the harmonica he still had clutched in his hands. The weak glow of the dying campfire made the golden strands of hair hanging over his left eye lustre and Tai found himself staring at the other boy once more. He carefully stepped out of the shadow of the large tree but Matt didn't notice.  
"Why did you stop playing?" Tai asked in a low voice before he could stop himself and his eyes went wide with surprise. Had he just said that? No way. No. Way. This was way to awkward. He'd just blush again, then his secret would be out and Matt would hate him for sure! 'Oh shit, shit, shit,' Tai cursed silently in his mind. He hung his head and didn't dare to look up to meet Matt's azure eyes. Deep blue eyes... So much deeper than the sea... He could just drown in them, swim forever in those depths of cobalt and sapphire and all the other blue shades Matt's eyes held...  
Tai suddenly came aware to that Matt was saying something. He quickly lifted his head.  
"Which planet were you off to?" Matt asked a little sarcastic.  
Tai grinned sheepishly.  
"Sorry," An awkward silence settled. Matt shifted uncomfortably.  
"So, um... why did you stop? Playing, I mean." Tai broke it as if he had just smashed a porcelain tray into the floor of a gigantic cathedral.  
"I don't know..." was the reply.   
Tai sighed almost too quietly to be heard. Wow, what a marvellous answer. Lots of information you got out of that.  
Now was one of the times Tai just wanted to bang his fist into Matt's jaw and just squeeze the words and sentences out of him. Though he knew that that didn't work, so he inhaled deeply and steadily and when he exhaled he felt calmer again.  
"What are you thinking?" Oh, no. He did it again. How many times was he going to embarrass himself by saying stupid things like that to Matt this night? Tai scolded himself even more when Matt sent him an odd glance. But he decided that the best thing to do now, was to play it cool.  
"Excuse me?" Matt said, his intense ice blue eyes piercing right into Tai's.  
"What are you thinking?" Tai repeated and he was surprised at the fact that he had made that without his cheeks going red.  
"Many things," Matt said and shrugged.  
"Like what?"  
"Stuff."  
"What kind of stuff?"  
"Why are you asking me all these questions? Since when did you start to care about me anyway?"  
This took Tai off guard, and he just stood there for a few moments, not being able to utter a word except for "Um...Uuh..."  
Matt sighed sharply and turned his back on Tai, pulling his knees up high and wrapping his arms around them.  
Tai was finally snapped back into reality.  
"I do care about you, Matt," he mumbled, "I really do..."  
Tai didn't know if Matt had heard him at all because he didn't react, not moving the slightest bit. Then the golden haired boy let out a faint and a bit shaky breath.  
Tai thought that he was crying at first and rushed to his side, cupping his hands around Matt's beautiful face. He was surprised when he didn't see any wet salty drops running down his cheeks. There were tears in Matt's eyes, making them seem clearer than all crystals and diamonds in the world, but not a single one of them fell from the blue orbs. He wasn't crying.  
Tai's mouth hung open and he was trying to think of something to say, but he couldn't find the right words.  
"Go away," Matt said in a quivering broken voice and removed Tai's hands from his face simply by turning it in another direction, gazing angrily into the black shadows of the forest around them.  
"No," Tai told him, "I won't go. Not this time." Tai cupped his hands around Matt's face once again, forcing him to look at him. "Matt, you need to cry. Even a completely IQ-freed idiot can see that. It's okay, I'm here for you..."  
Tai couldn't really believe that he had just said that, and Matt couldn't either, because he jerked away furiously.  
"Don't lie to me, Tai. Why are you doing this? What do you want with me?" he cried.  
"I-I just wanted to be nice..." Tai began. He was a bit taken aback by this sudden outburst.  
"Why? Because I'm the 'lone wolf' of the group? The one who's always alone? Do me a favour and just... just fuck off."  
"Matt... I'm sorry..." Tai knew it sounded lame, but what was he supposed to say?  
Matt suddenly got up and took a few frustrated steps backwards and forwards.  
Tai felt how his heart was being ripped out his chest. All he had wanted to do was to talk to Matt and maybe, maybe they'd... No, never. He couldn't allow himself to think in those terms. Matt's would never ever feel the same, and if there had been any kinds of possibilities, they were by all accounts squashed and destroyed now. Now, they would never even be friends. Tai's head pounded with threes thoughts and he had to struggle hard to fight the tears back.  
Then he heard a strange choked sob. Tai looked up.  
Matt had stopped wandering from side to side on the forest floor and now he had hid his face in his hands, the tears Tai had seen before flowing down from his eyes.  
Tai forgot about his own despair immediately and was by Matt's side in an instant.  
"Shh..." he soothed and wrapped his arms around Matt's trembling shoulders, rocking him back and forth.  
Matt seemed to shrink and he unsteadily sat down. Tai didn't let go the least of the boy, now when he finally got to hold him tight in a warm embrace. He could feel how his heart rose to his throat as Matt snuggled closer, burying his face in Tai's dark blue t-shirt, but he soon got more comfortable with holding Matt and rested his chin in Matt's hair. The soft golden strands tickled his face and Tai couldn't resist the urge to smell it. He took a deep breath and the sweet scent of Matt filled his nostrils.  
After a few minutes Matt began to talk, and almost before he knew it himself, he had was telling Tai about all the things he had thought of the last days and weeks, about how he felt about everything and about how no one ever seemed to really care enough to give him a chance. He left the part of his thoughts of Tai out though. But he told him about how he had come up with an own solution of the whole problem; to keep to himself so that nobody could ever reach him, even if they tried to, because Matt knew that it would only end up with hurt and pain in any case. As he came to the part about how that solution had worked just fine until he came to the digital world and met Tai, his voice faded and he tried to pull away from Tai's warm body once again.  
New tears pricked his sight and the last words he said before he fell silent were: "I'm lonely, Tai. I'm always alone,"  
At that Tai tightened his hold of the blonde, making Matt's head be so close to his chest that he could hear the chestnut haired boy's steadily beating heart.  
"You're not alone," Tai whispered only loud enough for Matt to hear, "You're not alone."  
Matt snivelled a bit and looked up at Tai with eyes wide of confusion and a flicker of fear. Tai, who had succeeded with the great effort not to blush a single time under this long while spent with Matt now found his cheeks go very hot and red, and he quickly turned his head away.  
Matt slowly lifted a hand and traced the outline of Tai's cheek very lightly. As he did so, Tai felt a pleasant tingle work it's way through his entire body. 'Did Matt really just do that, or is he just teasing me?' Tai thought and closed his chocolate eyes, but couldn't stop a small moan of pleasure from escaping his mouth. Matt's soft lips quieted the sound by gently brushing over Tai's.  
Tai froze.  
How many times hadn't he dreamt of this moment, but under no circumstances had he ever believed that it would actually come true.  
The fleeting butterfly kiss was over before Tai's brain had almost registered it.  
Tai didn't know what to do or how to react. In all of his daydreams he would know exactly what to say and how to act, but this was real. *Real*. And Tai only sat there, completely unmoving, his breathing very calm yet shallow and his eyes still closed.  
Tai didn't open his eyes until he felt how Matt jerked away from his arms and heard his breaths turn short and gasping. Tai saw how the boy crawled as far away from him as possible and then curling up into a little ball, making himself as small as he could be. Tai searched for Matt's eyes but when they finally locked their gaze, a part of Tai almost wished they hadn't for Matt's azure eyes were wide with fear, hurt and pain, and Tai knew that he had caused a huge part of it.  
'Why did I do that for? Why the hell did I do that for?' Tai scolded himself as he hurried forward to the little ball that was Matt. He laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and was startled when Matt violently pulled away, clutching his head with his hands.  
"Don't touch me! Don't touch me!" he cried, but Tai muffled his voice by putting a gloved hand over his mouth.  
"Shh, don't wake up the others!" Tai hissed and Matt fell silent, but he didn't stop struggling to be free from Tai's strong grip around his upper arms. The blonde squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth in protest but after a while he stopped trying to fight back and Tai finally let out the breath he realized he had been holding.  
"Matt, I-I-I..." Tai stammered but stopped when he heard the small whimper that Matt had made when he closed his mouth completely. He still held his eyes shut firmly though and it didn't look like he'd open them as long as Tai stood beside him.  
'So, it's now or never," Tai thought and leaned closer to Matt. He could almost feel the warm breath on his skin now. Just a little bit further, just a little bit closer... Then Tai felt how his own lips touched Matt's, and even if it only was ever so lightly, it was enough to send shivers down his spine. A tiny smile tugged the corners of his mouth.  
Tai fought it back and replaced it with a serious face, not wanting to confuse Matt even more.  
Matt slowly opened his eyes and looked doubtfully at Tai, as if not believing what just happened.  
"Matt, I love you, I really do. More than I can say," Tai said softly, looking straight in to Matt's azure eyes with his own chocolate. Once again he had to fight hard to not drown and get lost in the blue depths.  
That's when he noticed that the blonde's teeth were chattering. A cold wind blew past them and Matt coughed.  
"You're cold," Tai stated in a down-to-earth tone and put his arms around the shivering form of Matt. He took the fact that Matt didn't push him away as a good sign.  
Actually, Matt huddled closer and wrapped his freezing arms around Tai's warm waist, which made the brown haired boy stiffen a bit but he soon relaxed and closed his eyes, simply enjoying having Matt so close and near.  
After a couple of minutes of sitting like that, just holding each other and feeling each other's chests steadily rising up and down with their breathing, Tai more or less thought that Matt had fallen asleep in his lap. His eyes were closed and the silky strands of golden hair hang over one of them.  
Matt suddenly sighed softly and his eyes cracked open a bit. He gazed up at Tai.  
"I love you too, Tai," He murmured, a tiny smile on his lips.  
Once again the wind howled trough the chilly landscape but this time, none of the two boys felt cold.  
  
  
  
The End.  
  
  
  
A/N: Okay, I'm sorry if that sucked. Though I *hope* you liked it!  
  
  
  
/ThatGirl ^_^  
  
  
  



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